Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
