i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize