If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize