I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
