I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
