my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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