My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
