Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
