I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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