I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Where is the hickey?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
