just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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