I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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