I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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