Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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