8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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