i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I just threw up on my dentist
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
