i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
