Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
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