you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
