I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
