Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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