We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
