I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
