I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
