i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Couch. On fire.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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