dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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