tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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