If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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