he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
