Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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