Moan for me like Helen Keller
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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