I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
