For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
