I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
