I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
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