She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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