I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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