i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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