i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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