You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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