Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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