Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
