Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Randomize
