i used baking grease as lip gloss
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
