Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So here I am, sexting at work.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
