apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
tell me about the eggs
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
