my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
