I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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