Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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