If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
