I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
