Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Alive.
So much puke
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
