He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
