so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
