The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
