Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
