Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
