The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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