You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
