How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
