I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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