On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize