why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
