It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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