Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
