im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
