some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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