A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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