I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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