I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize