It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize