I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
