Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
