I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
